Codependency

The picture is from part of today's hike. Today was lovely. I hiked a small section of the Appalachian Trail with a friend Joy and her two sons. There really is nothing like being outside with nothing but woods and nature around.

I can't remember if I mentioned if yesterday's post or not, but my goal is to hike 15 trails in 30 days. Not necessarily different ones, because some I will probably like to do again and go further, like today's, Joy said this part of the trail is "Cold Mountain".

Here is the trailhead. Those of you who know me relatively well know that I have a slight ... obsession ... with cows. So of course I am going to go to the Cow Camp Gap next time.

This time we went about 2 miles in, to this breathtaking vista, and then turned around and headed back. It was a relatively short hike. 

If I keep feeling at peace like this, I am afraid I will just keep burying the problems that make it so hard for me to break free of depression once it is triggered. So even though I am feeling at peace again tonight, let's talk about one of my issues - CODEPENDENCY.

It was a huge buzzword in the self-help community in the 1990s. It started as a way to describe the behaviors of someone who was in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict, but the meaning grew to include many different "kinds" of codependency.

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He is dead now. He died from alcoholism about 2 years ago. The four or so years we were together were hell. I was also an alcoholic, although a much higher functioning one.

Codependents basically try to control the behaviors of others, usually in reaction to the chaos that comes with being in a close relationship with an alcoholic, addict, etc. 

We are also often entirely too dependent on the approval of others in order to have a modicum of self-worth. We let other people's behavior define our lives.

One of the things I really like about Codependency Recovery is the credo "I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

I usually do just fine in my friendships. I have the best friends in the world. Romantic relationships? Not so much. Naturally, those are the people I give my power to. And that is made worse by the fact that I rarely make good choices anyway. The people I end up involved with or in love with are almost always people with really huge issues of their own. And I end up giving these people the power over my happiness. It doesn't matter how good of a day I have at work, or how many students gave me a hug, or how good my friends are, or if I worked out ... if my current crush/involvement/relationship doesn't give me what I think I need or want, I feel worthless.

That is not fair. To the person or to myself. 

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

Let me say it again.

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

And once more.

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

This empty space inside of me? I need to fill that. I need to figure out who I am and what I like and what I want out of life and know that I am enough and I am worthy.