Grateful

I am finding myself very grateful today for my mom coming through the mastectomy surgery with flying colors. Of course we were all incredibly relieved, but I don't think it really sunk in for me until this morning. I feel like I spent a lot of the last few days in a fog.

I wish I could be half as strong as my mom. I gotta confess I kinda like being the caretaker. She's done so much for me, that it is nice to get to do a little something for her at a time when she needs it.

I'm continuing to feel much more at peace. Maybe I need to give up Facebook and my phone FOREVER.

The relentless negative self talk loop in my head is practically nonexistent!

Haven't been on a hike since Tuesday, so I am starting to think the 15 hikes in 30 days may have been too ambitious. Maybe 10 hikes in 30 days is more realistic!

Tomorrow I am headed out by myself to Cowcamp Gap on Cold Mountain Trail. Very excited to go on my own. I tend to be slow and when I hike with others always feel guilty that I am holding them up. Maybe I can work on my speed on these solo hikes, too, so when I do hike with others, I can maintain a better pace.

Because I have no trail pictures, here is a picture of Shirley the Chicken.

Yup. She's on my foot. She likes to hang out on my foot.

About a week ago, I went to the chicken shed to find Shirley acting oddly. I thought she had broken her neck, because it was as if she couldn't lift her head. When she did move, she would move erratically - in circles or backwards - and she stumbled a lot. We separated her from the other chickens, but Mom and I really didn't think she would make it through the night.

She still doesn't seem 100%, but she is much better and hanging in there. The sweet thing is Shirley has gotten very attached to me. When I go in the shed to take care of the silkies, Shirley flies to meet me. Then she follows me everywhere. She likes to get on top of my foot and gently peck at me. I might have to get her chicken diapers so I can bring her inside! Hehehe.

It is so nice not to have that negative loop relentlessly going through my head. This is what usually loops through my head -

You are so fucking stupid

You are a worthless piece of shit

You should just kill yourself already

Over and over and over and over.

So yeah, I'm not exaggerating or being overly dramatic when I talk about it. It. Is. That. Bad. I'll write more about it later. Am gonna go Google chicken diapers while I'm thinking about it. :)

Codependency

The picture is from part of today's hike. Today was lovely. I hiked a small section of the Appalachian Trail with a friend Joy and her two sons. There really is nothing like being outside with nothing but woods and nature around.

I can't remember if I mentioned if yesterday's post or not, but my goal is to hike 15 trails in 30 days. Not necessarily different ones, because some I will probably like to do again and go further, like today's, Joy said this part of the trail is "Cold Mountain".

Here is the trailhead. Those of you who know me relatively well know that I have a slight ... obsession ... with cows. So of course I am going to go to the Cow Camp Gap next time.

This time we went about 2 miles in, to this breathtaking vista, and then turned around and headed back. It was a relatively short hike. 

If I keep feeling at peace like this, I am afraid I will just keep burying the problems that make it so hard for me to break free of depression once it is triggered. So even though I am feeling at peace again tonight, let's talk about one of my issues - CODEPENDENCY.

It was a huge buzzword in the self-help community in the 1990s. It started as a way to describe the behaviors of someone who was in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict, but the meaning grew to include many different "kinds" of codependency.

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He is dead now. He died from alcoholism about 2 years ago. The four or so years we were together were hell. I was also an alcoholic, although a much higher functioning one.

Codependents basically try to control the behaviors of others, usually in reaction to the chaos that comes with being in a close relationship with an alcoholic, addict, etc. 

We are also often entirely too dependent on the approval of others in order to have a modicum of self-worth. We let other people's behavior define our lives.

One of the things I really like about Codependency Recovery is the credo "I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

I usually do just fine in my friendships. I have the best friends in the world. Romantic relationships? Not so much. Naturally, those are the people I give my power to. And that is made worse by the fact that I rarely make good choices anyway. The people I end up involved with or in love with are almost always people with really huge issues of their own. And I end up giving these people the power over my happiness. It doesn't matter how good of a day I have at work, or how many students gave me a hug, or how good my friends are, or if I worked out ... if my current crush/involvement/relationship doesn't give me what I think I need or want, I feel worthless.

That is not fair. To the person or to myself. 

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

Let me say it again.

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

And once more.

"I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and no one else is responsible for mine".

This empty space inside of me? I need to fill that. I need to figure out who I am and what I like and what I want out of life and know that I am enough and I am worthy.

Bravery

I love Bilbo and Frodo Baggins and their bravery in the face of the unknown. I could use a little bit of that in my life.

I had the idea a few days ago to walk 15 trails in 30 days. There is something about hiking that is incredibly therapeutic and now there is actual evidence that it can change your brain. CLICK HERE

The article I linked to says being in nature can help stop obsessive, negative thoughts. I so need that.

Today's walk was pretty easy, It was just along a back road in the country. I took the picture above because I love the line of the fence. Tomorrow I'm going on a hike with a friend and her two sons and I'm so excited. Bonus that her sons are two of my students.

I feel at peace right now. I am learning to appreciate those moments when I do. I don't have many and maybe this hiking resolution will help with that. Usually my mind is a negative, churning black hole that Never. Shuts. Up.

Because I actually feel at peace right now, I'm going to stop here. Although I want to blog openly and honestly about this mental illness I regularly battle, I'm afraid if I get too into it, I'll lose that peace and I don't want to lose it just yet.

Not Linear

I really, really wish I could get people to understand this about depression - it is not moodiness. It is not the blues. It is not being in a funk. It is like a bottomless pit of despair, hopelessness and fear.

If you are familiar with how J.K. Rowling describes what it is like to be around dementors, it is a lot like that. Every good feeling, thought, memory, emotion is sucked from your body.

"It’s no coincidence that [dementors] are a portmanteau of dement and  tormentor. If you want to understand what depression feels like,  these gravity-challenged entities hit the mark: “If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soulless and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.” They then “freeze your insides”. And to top it off: “they don’t need walls” to keep their prisoners, their prisoners become “trapped inside their own heads”.

From: http://www.mamamia.com.au/jk-rowling-depression-dementors/

In fact, J.K. Rowling has experienced severe depression and even struggled with suicidal thoughts. She knows.

It is not possible to just "get over" depression. Telling a person with depression to just cheer up is like telling someone with lung disease to take two aspirin and stop breathing so funny.

Recovery is also not linear.

The last two days have been very bad.

I am doing what I should be doing. I am getting out. I am gardening. I am exercising. I am meeting friends. I even came up with 11 new ideas for children's books and got art supplies today to get started on one I've already written!

But I cannot shut off the negative thought loop inside my head. I'm reading about all sorts of things to try to shut it off, but nothing seems to take hold and I cannot describe how mentally exhausting it is to constantly try to redirect my thoughts. Eventually, I'm just too tired to keep pushing them away and they take over again.

I know this will pass. I'm just so scared I am never going to escape the cycle.

Once More, With Feeling.

With a nod to Buffy, the Vampire Slayer for the title of this post. One of the best episodes ever and the lyrics below are from it and quite fitting.

"Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right

I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart"

My last post, written over a year ago, could have been written at any point over these last two weeks, which is truly frightening.

How many more times in my life will I go through this? How can I break the cycle? I'm trapped.

I posted the above image on Facebook recently. It's very apt. I am tired to the core of dealing with depression and all the emotions that come with it. Sometimes I want to stick an ice pick in my brain just to shut it up. Maybe it would function as sort of a homemade lobotomy.

I know what triggered this one, but I'm not getting into it here. It doesn't matter anyway, because once it is triggered, depression takes on a life of it's own and grows so much more massive than the event that triggered it.

I just started a book called Uncovering Happiness. Haven't gotten too far yet, but it is good so far. It says recent research shows the brain has much more plasticity than previously believed which is very good news for people with depression because part of the problem with us is that our neural pathways have become fucked up from so many depressions and our thought processes are now ingrained.  The author says you can retrain your thought processes. It advocates a 5 fold approach, including mindfulness and self-compassion. I have zero self-compassion. In fact, my self-compassion is in the negative digits. I am flat out vicious to myself. I'm not sure when it started, but these thought patterns were definitely taking shape by junior high school.

With mindfulness, I have to constantly redirect my thoughts to the present moment. You are supposed to take in what is going on in your senses now. My parents live on a steep hill and lately I have been walking up and down it for exercise. Today I really tried to focus on the present. The baby lambs chasing each other. The forsythia in full bloom, and so gloriously yellow against the blue sky. The birds twittering. I really love the sound of birds. I didn't get to hear them often before my cochlear implant surgery. But mindfulness is difficult. As I walked up and down the hill, my mind would wander to negative things and I would have to take a deep breath and refocus on the present. It takes so much mental energy to do that. I always seem to end up giving up.

I have heard depression called a liar. And a bully.

It is also a thief. It robs you of life's joy. I can be with my family, people I love with all of my heart and who I know love me, and feel utterly lonely and full of sadness and despair even during the best of moments. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it stealing from me.

My therapist suggested this blog last year. As you can see. I wrote 3 times and stopped. I really love to write and find it very therapeutic and I am determined to stick with it this time. I hope it helps.

Worthless

The segment of the last post, about trying to calm my mind during yoga class, was on the light-hearted side. The thoughts flicking in and out were not bad, nor were they on an endless loop. It's not like that usually. Sometimes that voice is like a separate entity. Another Carolyn addressing myself in this scornful, deprecating voice saying things like these -

You're fucking stupid.
You should just kill yourself already.
Jesus, why are you even still alive?
You're a worthless piece of shit.
You're so fucking dumb.
Just kill yourself.
Just stick a gun in your mouth and blow off the top of your head.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

Other times, it is simply me, talking to me, and the voice doesn't sound scornful and deprecating, but desolate and hopeless. It includes thoughts like above, only in "I" format, as well as some of the below.

I hate myself.
I can't do this.
I just want to give up.
I'm the stupidest person I know.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't keep going like this.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

It feels like it never stops, and the scornful voice always feels present, even when I am having a good day. I think it is why I am scared, sometimes, to have good moments. They feel false and cruel, somehow, taunting, like putting an ice cream sundae in front of a child, letting him have 1-2 bites and then snatching it away and mocking him while he cries.

It feels like a futile battle.

Thoughts

One of the things I am supposed to be doing to get through this depression and maybe even prevent or lessen the symptoms of the next one is activities in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook which my therapist recommended.

It's easy to start, hard to continue. It takes follow through because most of the activities require repetition and practice. I'll do them once and shove them to the back of my mind. Or convince myself they "don't work" after only one attempt.

I resent the mental energy they take. I've been through a lot in my life - deafness, alcoholism, an abusive marriage. Sometime this feels like just one thing too much to deal with.

My mind is stuck in a loop of negative, ugly thoughts. Working to change that is a battle. I inevitably find myself giving up after a few minutes because it takes so much mental energy. As I am typing this, it sounds like such a ridiculous excuse. I don't know how to describe the cycle. The negative thoughts are dominant. And persistent. And loud. Trying to replace that loop with positive thoughts feels futile, like a butterfly trying to move a boulder.

Today I did yoga with my Mom. This particular class is mostly for older people so the focus is more on stretching and relaxing movements. We are supposed to breathe deeply and clear our minds. We start off in a chair and there is this soft rubber ball that goes against our back. About 5 minutes into it, my ball fell through a gap in the chair. Anyways, this is me trying to clear my mind.


Breathe
Breathe
I'm depressed.
Crap, I'm not supposed to be thinking!
Breathe
When I look in the full length mirror, I can really see my weight loss.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I still look humongous, though.
Breathe
There goes the ball.
Breathe
I'm hungry.
Should I go get the ball?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm really freaking hungry.
I'm getting the ball.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These twinkle lights are distracting
Breathe
Breathe
My stomach is poochy.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm so hungry!
Breathe
My mom has her arms wrong during this move.
Breathe
Should I go show her?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm going to show her.
Breathe
Breathe
I need to get whipped cream for my coffee at Walmart.
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm fucking hungry!!!
Breathe
Breathe
I'm surprisingly flexible.
Breathe
Breathe
I should get another night shirt at Walmart.
Breathe
Breathe
Should I apply for that job at Sam's school? I have so many absences. That is really going to count against me. Maybe I should just stay at Freeman.
Breathe
Breathe
Soooo hungry!
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I wonder if it would be tacky to check my cell phone during class.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These elderly women have better balance than me.
Breathe
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe


And that's just what I remember thinking! It's freaking hard to shut down your mind!