Worthless

The segment of the last post, about trying to calm my mind during yoga class, was on the light-hearted side. The thoughts flicking in and out were not bad, nor were they on an endless loop. It's not like that usually. Sometimes that voice is like a separate entity. Another Carolyn addressing myself in this scornful, deprecating voice saying things like these -

You're fucking stupid.
You should just kill yourself already.
Jesus, why are you even still alive?
You're a worthless piece of shit.
You're so fucking dumb.
Just kill yourself.
Just stick a gun in your mouth and blow off the top of your head.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

Other times, it is simply me, talking to me, and the voice doesn't sound scornful and deprecating, but desolate and hopeless. It includes thoughts like above, only in "I" format, as well as some of the below.

I hate myself.
I can't do this.
I just want to give up.
I'm the stupidest person I know.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't keep going like this.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

It feels like it never stops, and the scornful voice always feels present, even when I am having a good day. I think it is why I am scared, sometimes, to have good moments. They feel false and cruel, somehow, taunting, like putting an ice cream sundae in front of a child, letting him have 1-2 bites and then snatching it away and mocking him while he cries.

It feels like a futile battle.

Thoughts

One of the things I am supposed to be doing to get through this depression and maybe even prevent or lessen the symptoms of the next one is activities in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook which my therapist recommended.

It's easy to start, hard to continue. It takes follow through because most of the activities require repetition and practice. I'll do them once and shove them to the back of my mind. Or convince myself they "don't work" after only one attempt.

I resent the mental energy they take. I've been through a lot in my life - deafness, alcoholism, an abusive marriage. Sometime this feels like just one thing too much to deal with.

My mind is stuck in a loop of negative, ugly thoughts. Working to change that is a battle. I inevitably find myself giving up after a few minutes because it takes so much mental energy. As I am typing this, it sounds like such a ridiculous excuse. I don't know how to describe the cycle. The negative thoughts are dominant. And persistent. And loud. Trying to replace that loop with positive thoughts feels futile, like a butterfly trying to move a boulder.

Today I did yoga with my Mom. This particular class is mostly for older people so the focus is more on stretching and relaxing movements. We are supposed to breathe deeply and clear our minds. We start off in a chair and there is this soft rubber ball that goes against our back. About 5 minutes into it, my ball fell through a gap in the chair. Anyways, this is me trying to clear my mind.


Breathe
Breathe
I'm depressed.
Crap, I'm not supposed to be thinking!
Breathe
When I look in the full length mirror, I can really see my weight loss.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I still look humongous, though.
Breathe
There goes the ball.
Breathe
I'm hungry.
Should I go get the ball?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm really freaking hungry.
I'm getting the ball.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These twinkle lights are distracting
Breathe
Breathe
My stomach is poochy.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm so hungry!
Breathe
My mom has her arms wrong during this move.
Breathe
Should I go show her?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm going to show her.
Breathe
Breathe
I need to get whipped cream for my coffee at Walmart.
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm fucking hungry!!!
Breathe
Breathe
I'm surprisingly flexible.
Breathe
Breathe
I should get another night shirt at Walmart.
Breathe
Breathe
Should I apply for that job at Sam's school? I have so many absences. That is really going to count against me. Maybe I should just stay at Freeman.
Breathe
Breathe
Soooo hungry!
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I wonder if it would be tacky to check my cell phone during class.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These elderly women have better balance than me.
Breathe
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe


And that's just what I remember thinking! It's freaking hard to shut down your mind!

Good Company

When I lived in Newport News, Virginia, I discovered the Noland Trail. It is a beautiful 5-mile trail that winds around the Mariner's Museum. While walking, it is difficult to believe you are not miles away in a countryside. The entrance to the trail is marked by a stone inscribed with the following quote:

Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees.

Sounds like something Emerson or Thoreau would say, huh? Nope. A poet named Karle Wilson Baker penned it. It's from a poem called "Good Company". The line always resonated with me. I could almost believe that when I emerged at the end of the trail, I was indeed taller. Perhaps I was, in spirit at least.

I suffer from depression. I have since my mid to late 20's. I may always. I seem to average at least one major depressive episode a year. I'm likely on the bipolar spectrum, but I don't quite fit neatly into any category. I wonder if anyone really does?

I've tasked myself with keeping a blog about it. I have always loved to write and used to dream about being a writer. But as happens with many of us, dreams fall by the side of the road as we move through the drudgery of life. Nonetheless, I find writing very healing and perhaps it will help me make it through this latest episode,

When I'm in it, it never feels like it is going to end. It always does, of course, but the problem is it also always comes back, I am not sure I want to keep living with this in my future year after year. It doesn't feel like the times I am not depressed come close to making the times I am bearable. I would, bluntly put, rather die than keep living this cycle.

Perhaps, somehow, this blog will help me grow taller, as the trees do.