Thoughts

One of the things I am supposed to be doing to get through this depression and maybe even prevent or lessen the symptoms of the next one is activities in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook which my therapist recommended.

It's easy to start, hard to continue. It takes follow through because most of the activities require repetition and practice. I'll do them once and shove them to the back of my mind. Or convince myself they "don't work" after only one attempt.

I resent the mental energy they take. I've been through a lot in my life - deafness, alcoholism, an abusive marriage. Sometime this feels like just one thing too much to deal with.

My mind is stuck in a loop of negative, ugly thoughts. Working to change that is a battle. I inevitably find myself giving up after a few minutes because it takes so much mental energy. As I am typing this, it sounds like such a ridiculous excuse. I don't know how to describe the cycle. The negative thoughts are dominant. And persistent. And loud. Trying to replace that loop with positive thoughts feels futile, like a butterfly trying to move a boulder.

Today I did yoga with my Mom. This particular class is mostly for older people so the focus is more on stretching and relaxing movements. We are supposed to breathe deeply and clear our minds. We start off in a chair and there is this soft rubber ball that goes against our back. About 5 minutes into it, my ball fell through a gap in the chair. Anyways, this is me trying to clear my mind.


Breathe
Breathe
I'm depressed.
Crap, I'm not supposed to be thinking!
Breathe
When I look in the full length mirror, I can really see my weight loss.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I still look humongous, though.
Breathe
There goes the ball.
Breathe
I'm hungry.
Should I go get the ball?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm really freaking hungry.
I'm getting the ball.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These twinkle lights are distracting
Breathe
Breathe
My stomach is poochy.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm so hungry!
Breathe
My mom has her arms wrong during this move.
Breathe
Should I go show her?
Breathe
Breathe
I'm going to show her.
Breathe
Breathe
I need to get whipped cream for my coffee at Walmart.
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe
Breathe
I'm fucking hungry!!!
Breathe
Breathe
I'm surprisingly flexible.
Breathe
Breathe
I should get another night shirt at Walmart.
Breathe
Breathe
Should I apply for that job at Sam's school? I have so many absences. That is really going to count against me. Maybe I should just stay at Freeman.
Breathe
Breathe
Soooo hungry!
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
I wonder if it would be tacky to check my cell phone during class.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
These elderly women have better balance than me.
Breathe
God, I'm hungry.
Breathe


And that's just what I remember thinking! It's freaking hard to shut down your mind!