Worthless

The segment of the last post, about trying to calm my mind during yoga class, was on the light-hearted side. The thoughts flicking in and out were not bad, nor were they on an endless loop. It's not like that usually. Sometimes that voice is like a separate entity. Another Carolyn addressing myself in this scornful, deprecating voice saying things like these -

You're fucking stupid.
You should just kill yourself already.
Jesus, why are you even still alive?
You're a worthless piece of shit.
You're so fucking dumb.
Just kill yourself.
Just stick a gun in your mouth and blow off the top of your head.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

Other times, it is simply me, talking to me, and the voice doesn't sound scornful and deprecating, but desolate and hopeless. It includes thoughts like above, only in "I" format, as well as some of the below.

I hate myself.
I can't do this.
I just want to give up.
I'm the stupidest person I know.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't keep going like this.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

It feels like it never stops, and the scornful voice always feels present, even when I am having a good day. I think it is why I am scared, sometimes, to have good moments. They feel false and cruel, somehow, taunting, like putting an ice cream sundae in front of a child, letting him have 1-2 bites and then snatching it away and mocking him while he cries.

It feels like a futile battle.